party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We are two peas in an std pod
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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