id be glad to
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
