I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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