Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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