i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
