I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I checked into jail on foursquare
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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