Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
