i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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