the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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