I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
