If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
