Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
