Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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