Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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