We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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