I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
