I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."