You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.