bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
