you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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