i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
