I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
