you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
