Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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