two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
