now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
