I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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