I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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