I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed