why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I forgot wine drunk hurts