i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.