Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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