So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
