Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
