dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
