So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
