god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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