My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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