You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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