I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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