come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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