I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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