You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
