She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
