I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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