She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
