The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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