He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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