Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
