Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
