Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do vagina's smell?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
