Sacagawea was the original milf.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
