So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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