I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
