If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
