Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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