you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He? As in you personified your dick?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
