I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
