I didn't shave. On purpose
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My feet surprised me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
