if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
