Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
