I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
