I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
