As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
