when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
