I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
