she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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